Five Things Friday 10/31: Happy Halloween!

Hello everybody! Happy Friday and Happy Halloween to you all! I’m linking up with Clare again this week to share some Top 5’s of the last week. Enjoy!

Five Things I Ate 

A Trader Joe’s Organic Pumpkin Toaster Pastry that my coworker brought back from Chicago. As a connoisseur of both pumpkin products and PopTarts, I would say it was pretty darn good.

I went out for dinner and drinks with a couple of coworkers after work the other night, and I had this awesome sweet potato soup. It had a subtle coconut flavor to it, and the pumpkin seed garnishes were a nice touch. I also had a vodka & soda, which was lovely. After a couple of years of drinking very infrequently, though, I definitely think I’m a one drink maximum kind of girl these days.

A morning glory muffin somebody baked and brought into work. It was fantastic, despite the fact that the picture I took kind of looks like raw meat. It had pecans, apple, carrots, and a bunch of other tasty things in it. I’m definitely going to need to steal the recipe.

A lunch consisting of California rolls from the supermarket, edamame with garlic salt, and miso soup. Delicious!

Five Things I Pinned

I don’t totally know what my personality type is – most tests put me somewhere between extraverted and introverted. In any case, this is fairly interesting.

We are meant for more.

Love, love, love this ring.

Peanut butter chocolate chip shortbread cookies. Are you kidding me? These look unbelievably amazing. I definitely need to tuck this recipe away into my file of potential desserts to make for Birthday Wednesday at work.

Gray is my favorite color. Does that make me boring? Maybe. Who cares?

Five Things Making Me Happy

1. My dearest, kindred spirit friend is coming for Thanksgiving! She has been there for me through the worst of the worst, and I am unbelievably thankful for her presence in my life. Last year’s Thanksgiving was stressful and difficult. I’m hopeful that this one will be ten thousand times better!

2. I got a raise at work! It’s not a huge amount, but it feels good to be acknowledged for hard work and it will help me continue saving money for my big Chicago move.

3. I love my family. Really, I do, but it has been wonderful living on my own. When you get to a certain age, it can be tough to live with the ‘rents, and I feel as though my mom and I are able to enjoy each other more now that there’s some space between us. Hooray for independence!

4. I finished Gone Girl. Holy shit. Now I just need to see the movie so I can talk about how much better the book is. Yep, I’m going to be one of those people. I’m also happy because I ordered two more of the author’s books, and I can’t wait to get started on them.

5. I repainted this mug that I made and I actually followed the directions for how to make the paint stay this time. Guess what? Following directions pays off!

That wraps up my five things this week! I hope you have a wonderful, safe Halloween. I probably won’t look as cute as I did in this picture, nor will I have a naked baby with me, but I’m hoping my costume turns out well!

When The Going Gets Tough

This week has not been the easiest week for me. While it may not make sense to many, one thing I’ve learned in recovery is that restriction begets further restriction for me. When I under-eat for a day or two, it tends to begin a cycle of continued under-eating rather than signaling me to eat more. Ultimately, I end up hungry, anxious, and under the thumb of disordered thoughts. It seems quite contrary to common sense, really. One would think that the logical reaction to hunger is increased consumption of food, and for many that is most likely the case. However, my experience with an eating disorder has been far from logical.

I’m being upfront about this most recent slip because I want what I write here to be authentic. I do not want to pretend that recovery is a linear, encouraging and uplifting process each and every day, because it most certainly is not. It is fluid, with many ups and downs. This week happened to have a few more downs than ups. At times like this, my tendency is to let my disorder bargain with me. It starts coaxing me in, telling me that tolerating hunger isn’t really that bad, that it’s possible to maintain a low level of hunger while acting normal and keeping everybody else happy, therefore not having to deal with this tricky issue of feeding my body. My disorder promises me that I can have the best of both worlds. I can function in this world while still keeping the sense of control over my body that anorexia gives me by depriving my body of food, or by exercising beyond its desires.

The reality, however, is that I cannot live the life I want to live with anorexia’s influence looming over me. The reality is that the true me was never in control in the worst days of my eating disorder. Starvation was in control, and it made me miserable and nearly insane. The reality is that I deserve better than the best that this disorder can offer. I deserve to go out to dinner and not just act like I’m having fun, but genuinely have fun because I am eating enough for my body and I can focus on the people I’m with. I deserve to believe that my body is trustworthy.

I think that I struggle with allowing myself to eat adequately when I’m hungry because I still struggle to admit to myself that I can’t control everything about my body, and that going on a diet was all for nothing. When I embarked on my dieting journey, I bought into the lie that the answer to weight loss, and thus happiness, is getting control and gaining willpower. When I learned that I could turn down food even when hungry, something that goes against all human instincts, I felt powerful and in control. I felt that I had finally conquered my flawed nature.

In recovery, learning that my body is smarter than my brain has been incredibly difficult. Learning that I can’t trick myself into being full by eating a shit ton of vegetables has been a reality check, as has learning that copious amounts of caffeine cannot replace sleep, and that chewing gum isn’t a substitute for food. I have had to become reacquainted with my humanity, something that makes me rather uncomfortable. Anorexia stole nearly every part of the things that made me human. I was an anxious, starving shell. I could not have reproduced, I could not think, I either slept like a corpse or not at all. My skin was barely holding itself together and my hair had given up hope. Yet I continued to deny myself food, the most basic of needs. I continued to deny that I was a human that needed nourishment in the same way that every other living thing on this planet needs such nourishment (except plants because they can photosynthesize, which is unbelievably cool).

Admitting my humanity and my fallible human nature is a true challenge of recovery for me. Learning to trust my body implicitly, trust that it knows its needs and will tell me of them, seems too good to be true. I never believed in my body enough to trust that it could know such things. However, I know quite certainly that the pages of fitness magazines do not know my body. I know that even doctors, with their years upon years of education, do not know my body. My body knows itself, and that is one of the most beautiful aspects of being fully human.

As long as I fear my whole, human self, I am allowing my eating disorder to keep the reigns pulled tight on my life. As long as I deny my body food when it is hungry, or feel guilt for feeding my body when it is telling me to eat, I am attempting to live as less than the real, complex human that I am. For a time, I saw what living as subhuman was like, and I never want to return to that state again.

This week was tough, but it was a reminder that I am fighting for so much more than partially recovered. I have worked too damn hard to allow even the smallest bit of this disorder to occupy my thoughts and my time. Taking a chance on recovery has been worth it thus far. It has been worth all of the fear and anxiety that have come with it. I have to believe, once again, that trusting myself and trusting this process will be worth the challenges I may face along the way.

Thinking Out Loud 10/30: Purse Hoarding and Ewoks

Happy Thursday, everybody! I hope you are all eagerly getting your halloween costumes ready for tomorrow. I know that I’m going to be spending a fair amount of time over the next day trying to finish (okay, start) my costume. I’m not the most creative person, so we’ll see how it turns out. In the mean time, I’m linking up with Amanda today to share some of what’s going on in this ol’ brain of mine.

1. I took the dog on a gorgeous walk yesterday, right before it started pouring rain. It’s still hard for me to see walking as exercise sometimes, simply because I enjoy it so much and exercise has traditionally been a label reserved for forced, unpleasant activities. It is exercise, however, and it can be absolutely lovely.

 

2. This showed up at work the other day, and I’m fairly intrigued by it. I mixed espresso with carbonated water one time and it was not a pleasant experience for my mouth, so I’m hesitant to try it. What do you think?

 

3. My dog is going to be an ewok for halloween. He doesn’t even have to dress up! Now I can pretend that not getting his hair cut for far too long was a strategic costume-related decision rather than lazy pet ownership. Perfect!

4. I’ve tried out a new yoga class these past couple of weeks that I am absolutely loving, and last week the instructor gave each of us a rock with a word written on it to take home. My word was tranquil, and I’ve been thinking about how the concept of tranquility applies to my life. Living in this house over the past week has certainly given me a sense of tranquility. There’s something about being in my own space, able to make my own choices on my timeline that gives me a feeling of peace and calm that I am wholly appreciating.

As far as time of day goes, early mornings are the time when I feel tranquility most. I usually feel alert, peaceful, and optimistic first thing in the morning. I love feeling like the rest of the world isn’t moving quite yet, especially if I’m outside.  

5. It may be time to clean out my purse. Yesterday, I found a book, my journal, two lip balms, a container of lotion, a muffin, my wallet, 40-50 bobby pins, a granola bar, and at least five pens in there. I have a tendency to hoard items within the confines of my purse – I once carried a pair of socks around with me for at least six months. Yikes.

That wraps up this week’s Thinking Out Loud post! Stay tuned for a post about acceptance and acknowledgement, which I’m writing as soon as I can convince my brain to form cohesive thoughts. Have a great day!

What I Ate Wednesday 10/29: Trying Out Taco Tuesday

Good morning and happiest of Wednesdays to you! This week has been flying by – I can’t believe it’s already halfway over. And I really can’t believe it’s almost Halloween. As is to be expected, I’m linking up with Peas and Crayons today to share a day’s worth of food with you all.

I still feel conflicted about these posts, because I think overanalyzing food choices is not healthy, at least not for me. However, I have found it helpful for me to participate in them because it reminds me of all of the things I do in a day that require fuel from food. For months, the portions of food that I ate were painfully minuscule.   When I started increasing my calories, I felt as though I was eating huge amounts of food for no reason, and there was a lot of shame associated with that. Looking back over a day of food and realizing that I do not eat unreasonably gigantic quantities of food, and that I lead an active life that requires regular nutritional energy is helpful to me.

A year ago, I took this picture of my breakfast. It was a tiny bowl of oatmeal, with two packets of Splenda, half of a small banana, and 5 dried cranberries. At the time, I thought that it was huge. In retrospect, I am painfully aware that I was starving all of the time, and that this breakfast was nowhere near the amount of food that my body needed.

When you have been on a “diet” for as long as I was, you forget what adequate amounts of food and feel like. Thus, I continue to participate in the What I Ate Wednesday trend. And, with that tangent out of the way, on to the food!

Breakfast was nothing out of the ordinary: oatmeal with almonds, banana, no fucking Splenda, egg whites, and hemp hearts alongside a piping hot cup of coffee. I attempted a craft with this mug and yesterday was my first day using it. The paint stayed okay, although it seems to have started flaking off now that I washed it. Boo.

On a side note, I embarrassingly burned my lip on oatmeal the other day, and I’m trying to think of cooler explanations in order to avoid explaining an oatmeal-induced burn. I’m open to suggestions.

At work, it was my turn to give a tour of our roasting facility. After I finished with the tour, I was ready for a snack and I grabbed part of a homemade granola bar, and by granola bar I mean an attempt at a granola bar that turned into a conglomeration of things mashed together in a sticky mess. It was tasty, though!

One of my coworkers began a Taco Tuesday tradition at work, and this week I decided to participate. It’s been going on for a while, but I was always a little bit too fearful to veer away from my traditional lunch. This week, I brought cheese to the party, and I decided to bring a big ol’ bowl of vegetables to turn into a taco salad for myself. It was perfect, really, because I was also nearing the crumb stage of my bag of tortilla chips! From the taco bar options, I added a few black beans, a little ground beef, salsa, some sauteed onions and peppers, a sprinkle of cheese, and hot sauce. I also had some hummus with carrots and a container of yogurt. All in all, it was a highly satisfying midday experience.

A little before my shift ended, I started to get kind of hungry again. I had begun the monotonous and seemingly never-ending task of bagging candy, so I tasted a chocolate covered pistachio while I bagged them up. No complaints.

Work got pretty busy right before the end of my shift, and when I got home I was definitely ready for an afternoon snack. I had an apple, along with some Kashi Indigo Morning cereal and plain yogurt.

When I had finished my snack, I walked the dog so that she would calm the fuck down. After my walk, I ventured downtown to scour thrift stores for supplies to create my halloween costume. As I was walking, it started to lightly rain and I stepped into a coffee shop to buy a cup of tea. Promptly, I dumped the entire cup on the ground when I bumped it with my purse. Oops. Fortunately, the employees were sports about it and gave me some more hot water.

I stopped by the grocery store to pick up some fruit, vegetables, and a box of cereal before heading home. I had a FaceTime date planned with one of my closest college friends, so I quickly made some stir fried vegetables, rice, and chicken with black bean garlic sauce. I’ve made better, but it was still a satisfactory dinner.

Don’t these copper countertops look badass? The downside, however, is that they are ridiculously difficult to keep clean. But hey, it adds some rustic flair, right?

After my FaceTime session, I ate a few pieces of cereal while I read. I am dragging out the ending of Gone Girl as long as humanly possible because I don’t want it to end. Seriously, I’m limiting myself to reading one or two pages at a time. The idea of wrapping up the book and not having anything to follow it up was stressing me out, so I ordered two new books that have supposedly been delivered to my house. I’m hoping to finish Gone Girl today and easily glide into one of my new books when I head back to my house tomorrow.

I spent the rest of the evening lounging around. I did a short guided meditation and watched an old episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation because why the hell not. Before I trundled off to bed, I had a piece of toast with peanut butter and called it a day.

That wraps up this week’s post! I hope you have a fantastic rest of your Wednesday, full of good food and good people.

Worthwhile Reads 10/26

I hope your Sunday is off to a good start so far! The last few mornings out here have been beautiful, glad-to-be-alive kinds of mornings and today was no exception. I’m still loving being in this little, unique house, especially in the early morning.

Despite the fact that I have been entirely engrossed in the book Gone Girl this week, I did manage to find some things worth checking out online, and I’m linking up with Amanda to share them with you. Enjoy!

Recovery

Shame In Recovery from a Restrictive Eating Disorder

Recovery is complicated. While gaining weight is a sign of healing and most certainly a good thing, a wave of difficult emotions can come with that healing.

Feminists Have Food And Body Issues, Too: 5 Ways To Get Over The Shame

Yes, Yes, and YES. In all honesty, I felt quite ashamed of developing an eating disorder. I mean, I’m a feminist. I have a college degree. I studied social work, which included classes in women’s studies and abnormal psychology, for crying out loud. If there’s one thing I’ve learned through this process, it’s that eating disorders do not discriminate. I suffer from an eating disorder despite the fact that I “should know better,” and I am most definitely not alone in that.

Compassionate Eating: The Food of Love

When I was at my lowest point in my disorder, I entirely lost the ability to see food as nurturing and loving, and I am grateful to be getting that ability back once more.

An Open Letter To Anyone With An Eating Disorder

A good read when you need a little encouragement from somebody who’s been there.

Transform Your Relationship With Food By Doing This One Simple Thing

Although the title may be a bit dramatic, this post makes some excellent points. Food is food, whether it’s a cookie, a piece of celery, or a scrambled egg. And, believe it or not, our bodies need food.

Life, Etc. 

The Sensitive Gal’s Guide To Apologies

To genuinely apologize takes strength and courage, and I know that we all appreciate receiving apologies when they are called for. Personally, I am trying to work on having the courage and humility to admit my wrongdoings and apologize for them.

My Life Is Full Of It

Every second of every day is a part of our life. We fill it with whatever we choose.

‘Marcel The Shell With Shoes On’ Is Back, And He’s Got Allergies

Yes! I’ve missed you, Marcel.

‘CraftFail’ Is Where Pinterest Dreams Go To Die

Essentially, the outcome of every craft I have ever attempted.

‘She Looks Just Like You’

This is a beautiful reflection on evaluating self-criticism and how it impacts our children.

That sums up this week’s worthwhile reads! Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Five Things Friday 10/24

Happy Friday! I’m pretending to be happy that it’s Friday even though I have to work all the livelong day tomorrow. Fridays still feel special somehow, do they not? I’m linking up with Clare for a Five Things Friday post again this week to share some of my week’s highlights (and lowlights?) with you all.

Five Things I Ate

Pasta with meat sauce and bread, made by my friend on Monday when we got together to watch The Voice. Team Pharrell for life!

Homemade caesar salad (picture taken pre-lettuce) made by the couple whose house I’m staying in before they left. On their own, anchovies aren’t really my thing, but it’s a whole different story in caesar salad.

Chili, also made by said couple. It was darn good chili, too.

Lentil and mushroom soup, with some Trader Joe’s Everything crackers and carrot sticks. Rainy weather calls for soup, and we have had some rather dreary rain lately.

New yogurt found at the natural foods store. I’m a sucker for new yogurt varieties, and this one definitely received two thumbs up.

Five Things I Pinned

I really, really want these measuring cups. Although I don’t measure things as obsessively as I used to (thanks, recovery!) I still appreciate an adorable measuring vessel as much as the next guy.

It’s a fine balance.

A possible use for jeans that no longer fit, perhaps?

Simple and beautiful.

Whoever edited this idiotic advertisement is wonderful.

Five Things Making Me Happy

1. I brought my guitar out to this house with me and I’ve really enjoyed playing it, albeit poorly. I figure it’ll scare away the bears, which is totally cool with me.

2. I had a great staff meeting last night. While that might sound like an oxymoron, it was the same pre-holiday season staff meeting that we had last year, when I was so, so sick. I was starving during that meeting, but wouldn’t touch the food that was being passed around. In comparison, it was pretty fan-fucking-tastic this time around. This year, I ate pizza and joked with my coworkers, wholeheartedly engaging in the meeting. It felt amazing.

3. I had a much-overdue FaceTime session with my big bro last night, and catching up with him was wonderful.

4. I had a great week off from intense exercise. It was anxiety-inducing, nerve-wracking, and incredibly challenging at times but I’m glad that I showed myself that I could do it. I’m going to continue limiting my exercise and assessing how I feel along the way. This week also marked one month without weighing myself, which is incredible to write. I know at this point in my recovery that knowing my weight would be a hindrance, so for now I am holding off from weighing myself until further notice.

5. A customer brought this teeny, tiny puppy into work a few days ago and I could barely contain myself. I had to refrain from shoving it in my apron pocket and stealthily sneaking out the back door with it.

That pretty much wraps things up this Friday! Have a great kick-off to the weekend, y’all!

Thinking Out Loud 10/23

Hello again! Welcome to this week’s edition of Thinking Out Loud, where I link up with Amanda to share some random thoughts with you, whether you like it or not. This week has definitely been out of the ordinary, and most of my thoughts have revolved around getting used to my new environment. So, without further ado, let’s get to it!

1. This cat that I’m caring for is most probably going to die soon.

Seriously. They showed me where to bury it if (when) it happens. Doesn’t that look just say, “For the love of God, will somebody please put me out of my misery?” It lies in this position for 85% of the day and spends the other 15% staring into its food bowl. I’m generally a friend to the cat community, but this cat has so many weird tumors and bald patches that I pet it lightly, with one finger, and in carefully selected locations.

2. The dog, however, is doing fabulously.

She’s friendly, cute, and keeps the bears away, so we’re thick as thieves.

3. This temporary house of mine is in the greatest location

It’s serene, gorgeous, and smells amazing outside. I definitely think that I will enjoy living here.

4. My left hand has seen its fair share of wounds over the last few days.

I was adequately warned about the sharpness of this knife, yet I still have managed to slice myself with it twice already. It’s really an incredible knife – it cuts carrots, zucchinis, and human flesh with ease!

5. I’ve been drinking powerful water, apparently

The homeowners told me that the water in this pitcher contains the power of stone, because it has three stones that sit at the bottom. I’m supposed to change the stones every few days, and leave the pitcher in the sunlight. I have no idea what sorts of benefits the power of stone carries with it, but I’m on board!

6. LOOK AT ALL OF THESE CHOPSTICKS

I’ve died and gone to utensil heaven.

7. I’ve never had a particularly strong urge to speak Japanese, but it would sure come in handy now.

So far, it seems like quite a few things may translate to some form of dried fish.

8. Holy cow. I am so into this book.

I haven’t been engrossed in a book like this for a long time and it feels good to be back in the groove. Side note: if anybody tells me how it ends, I will hunt them down.

9. Road construction sucks. A lot.

The main stretch of highway outside of this house is under construction, and it’s a real clusterfuck. It also means that walking downtown is quite the challenge, as I discovered on my little walk the other day. However, taking back ways yields some lovely views.

10. I have broken not one, but two mugs in the four days that I’ve been living here. How does that even happen? Apparently, I must be a tad bit aggressive in the morning when I’m making my coffee. In any case, I think I’m bringing a mug from home…and actively seeking replacements for the two I’ve managed to destroy.

That sums up my random thoughts for the week. Have a lovely Thursday! I’ll be trying to learn Japanese, avoiding cutting myself, and developing a prototype for cushioned coffee mugs if you need me.

What I Ate Wednesday 10/22: New House Adventures

Happy Wednesday, everybody! I’m linking up with Peas and Crayons again this week to share a day of foodstuffs with you. It has been a week of transition for me, as I’ve been moving everything into the house I will be staying in for the next two months and getting all cozied in. The homeowners are from Japan, so they have some really interesting things around their house, which I have thoroughly enjoyed exploring. I’m especially intrigued and delighted by their selection of dishes, a small obsession of mine.

Despite my new surroundings, breakfast was business as usual, although I got to eat out of an adorable Japanese bowl.

Just look at that cute little crab!

By the time mid-morning rolled around at work, I was ready for a little snack. It was a rainy day and I had already had some coffee, so I opted for a cup of one of my favorite teas with a protein bar.

Lunch at work was nothing special: a sandwich, yogurt, tortilla chips, and carrots from my garden. However, I do highly recommend Wallaby Organic Greek yogurt. It’s not nonfat, and it’s delightful.

When I got off of work, I had a bit of a headache and I needed a snack, so I had a pear with some cheddar cheese in yet another cute bowl. Pear doesn’t pair (see what I did there?) that well with cheddar, but I was in the mood for cheese and that was what I had on hand, so I made do.

I still wasn’t feeling great after my snack, and I was having some trouble deciphering what would feel best. I didn’t totally feel like lying around, and I thought some fresh air might help, so I went for a walk to explore my new neighborhood. However, my little walk turned into a considerably longer walk when I got the tiniest bit lost and wound up on a golf course for a brief period of time.

After I had navigated my way back to the house, I fed the fish in the koi pond and had another small snack consisting of yogurt with a combination of some kind of cereal that I found in the house and Cinnamon Roll Crunch, which is one of the strangest impulse buys I have ever made. Although it made me feel like I was six years old to eat Cinnamon Roll Crunch, I have no regrets. I also had another mug of tea. What else does one do on a rainy day?

I had plans with a friend to go to dinner/trivia night at a restaurant, so I wanted to rest for a while before heading back out. I watched Seinfeld and started reading Gone Girl, which is potentially a poor choice of books when one finds oneself staying in a strange house alone. Nonetheless, I enjoyed the downtime. Unfortunately, my friend discovered that the trivia night had been changed as I was on my way to the restaurant. I headed home and I whipped up some stir fry with various interesting-looking sauces that I found in the refrigerator. It wasn’t bad, but I got a wee bit carried away with the sriracha. Oops. On the bright side, I probably won’t have trouble with my sinuses for quite some time.

After dinner, I wanted something sweet and created an itty bitty hodgepodge of cereal.

I read for a couple of hours, but then I was ready for bed. My dinner was probably 90% vegetables, so it’s not a huge surprise that I was hungry for a snack before I turned in for the night. Plus, eating something before bed helps me sleep and boy howdy do I love sleep. I had piece of toast with peanut butter and called it a day.

This week, I was hit once again with the incredible transformation that has taken place in the last year. Looking back on the girl I was, it is glaringly evident to me that I was under the influence of significant starvation. I never, ever ate until I was actually satisfied. Life was punctuated entirely by meals and I lived in a constant fog of hunger. Any change in plans, like the one that happened with dinner tonight, would send me over the edge. I would have to recalculate my entire day’s calories if one meal, one snack, or even one fraction of a snack changed ever so slightly. I was so used to this life that it didn’t even seem that strange to me. It was unpleasant, yes, but oddly comforting at the same time.

A year ago, I counted out exactly nine almonds to put in my oatmeal each morning, unless that was too many for whatever reason. Then it may be six almonds, or eight almonds. I ate artificial cheese and aspartame-flavored yogurt daily. I weighed out cucumbers and counted the calories in 2 and 1/4 pieces of candy corn.  Today, although I could make a rough estimate of the calories I ate, I know absolutely nothing for sure. I feel free from the prison of calorie counting that once held me captive, and it is liberating.

I am unrecognizable from the person I was one year ago. I can take things in stride. I can find joy in the ordinary. I don’t plan my entire life around when I am allowed to eat, intentionally delaying meals as long as possible because I know they won’t satisfy me. I have rediscovered life, and although no day is perfect, I feel proud and grateful for the sea change that has taken place over the last year.

Worthwhile Reads 10/19

Good Sunday morning, everybody! I hope your weekend has been rejuvenating and relaxing. I’m getting all packed up to begin my two month housesitting job tonight, which is sort of awful because packing is the absolute worst. In order to delay this dreaded activity, I am first taking some time to share a few links that I found especially interesting this week. Enjoy, and head over to Running With Spoons if you’re itching for some more great reads!

Recovery

Uncovering Yoga’s Hidden Eating Disorder Epidemic

Unfortunately, yoga can become another destructive avenue of comparison and perfectionism when it comes to our bodies. At its best, yoga is beautiful in the way it connects us to our bodies. However, I know that I used yoga as another way to increase calorie burn and unhealthily obsess over my body for quite some time, and I know that I’m not the only one who has done so.

How Yoga Can Heal A Fractured Body Image

Although yoga can be another breeding ground for disordered body image, it can also be a wonderful way to truly appreciate our bodies and be present in them.

Restricted Eating = Restricted Tastebuds 

I love this commentary and have had many of the same thoughts about “healthy” recipes that claim to taste like desserts. I’ve even tried a few – plain yogurt, three chocolate chips, and cinnamon do not equal cookie dough in any sense of the word, FYI.

Fighting An Eating Disorder On A College Campus

I can relate to so much of what the author of this post says, and she offers some great encouragement through her success story.

When Pinterest Pisses Me Off

Ugh. Amen to this. I spent countless hours on a stationary bike, either looking through the Health & Fitness Pinterest category for inspiration, or browsing recipes to appease my hunger. These posts may motivate women, but they motivate them to develop body hatred and unhealthy attitudes toward their bodies.

Anorexia, Anxiety, and Letting Go

One of the worst parts of my experience with anorexia was the crippling anxiety that took over my brain. It was something I did not anticipate or understand, and learning how to relax through anxiety has been a huge part of my recovery.

100% Consumer

The diet industry wants one thing: our money. If we find ways to be happy with ourselves, they don’t get that money. In order to be conscious consumers, we need to realize that this is not an industry that wants to help us be our best selves.

I Don’t Give Two Shits About Dressing ‘Skinny’

How sad that we live in a society where looking ‘skinny’ is the ultimate goal for women.

What To Do When You Fear Weight Gain Or Do Gain Weight

I’ve significantly decreased how frequently I weigh myself recently. That, coupled with reducing the intensity of my exercise has sparked some fears surrounding weight gain for me. This article provided me with a nice little boost and a reminder to take care of myself.

Life, Etc.

Stressed Out? Try This Ancient Breathing Exercise

Who isn’t stressed out, am I right? Why not try a new relaxation technique?

Friendships That Flourish

Genuine friendship is based on give-and-take, honesty, and encouragement. I am privileged to have several friendships that flourish beautifully, no matter the distance between us. Recovery has made me more grateful for these friendships than ever before.

5 Nasty Ingredients To Avoid When Buying Green Beauty Products

I’m not obsessive when it comes to checking labels, but it’s always good to have some information about what’s going into the products we use regularly.

Could A Walking Meditation In The Park Be A Way To Deal With Too Many Problems?

I love this idea!

That’s it for this week! Enjoy the rest of your weekend, whether it’s cool or warm, sunny or cloud-covered. I’ll be settling into my new house, and with views like this one in the front yard, I am quite looking forward to it!

Assessing Exercise

Exercise and I have had a tumultuous relationship, to say the least. In middle and high school, when I was overweight and depressed, I hated any and all forms of exercise. I felt inadequate and ashamed of the fact that I wasn’t active like a “normal” person should be. As I grew older, I began to enjoy exercise more, going for walks with friends and working out at the gym occasionally. Yet I still felt inadequate, always assuming that I needed to be doing more. As far as I was concerned, my status as an overweight person meant that I would have to force unpleasant exercise on myself for the rest of my days if I wanted to stop being overweight. Food and exercise had nothing to do with listening to my body. Food was an indulgence that I didn’t deserve and exercise’s primary role was to beat myself into submission.

The core beliefs behind the diet and exercise regimen that led to my eating disorder were as follows:

1. I cannot be trusted around food and don’t know how to listen to my body

2. Exercise must be hard, and it must be forced. As an overweight person, no excuse for skipping exercise is acceptable.

I followed these rules to the letter for months, and they turned me into the scared, underweight, overworked girl that I was one year ago. They turned me into the girl that did the same ab and butt workout every fucking day. They turned me into the girl that ran for an hour and a half on Sundays no matter what because the fear of weight gain did not allow her to rest, who felt like a failure when her back and hip pain became too severe to push through a grueling run.

In recovery, I have tried multiple times to assess my exercise habits, but I have never been entirely honest with myself about my attitudes toward exercise. Don’t get me wrong, exercise has become much more pleasant than it was a year ago. I no longer force myself to do a specific machine for exactly a certain amount of time out of fear of becoming lazy if there is any variation whatsoever. I do, however, still exercise based on the belief that my body cannot be trusted. I exercise because I believe that, as a formerly overweight person, I will have to force it upon myself for the rest of my life. I believe that, without a certain type and amount of exercise, I do not have the right to eat when I am hungry.

The above statements were hard for me to type because I want so desperately to believe that they are no longer true. However, with some reflection, I am acutely aware that these types of beliefs are the ones feeding my still-disordered ideas about exercise. I want to believe that I can listen to my body, and forced exercise makes it awfully hard to hear its requests.

In addition to acknowledging that my views toward exercise are not jiving with what I want to believe about myself and my body, I have another reason for reconsidering exercise. I still have not had a monthly period naturally since I started intensively exercising and severely restricting food, nearly two years ago. Although doctors have prescribed birth control for me, I badly want to believe that my body is capable of restoring itself to health on its own if I give it the chance to do so. And, after doing some reading on the Internet, I have seen some wonderfully encouraging stories about eliminating high-intensity exercise and/or eating more in order to bring back a missing period. I have nothing left to lose, and the possibilities of regaining a significant indicator of health and one day being able to reproduce are more than worth the risk.

The decision to do this was utterly terrifying for me. Even as I type this, I am thinking about how lazy I will feel without my short jogs, intense elliptical sessions, and challenging bike rides. But I don’t want to exercise simply to rid myself of the anxiety of feeling lazy. I want to exercise because I enjoy movement, which I genuinely do when I’m doing it for the right reasons. 

When I think past the disordered thoughts and past the fears of laziness, I’m eager and excited to participate in this experiment. I will be able to move my body the way I want to, through gentle yoga, walking, and leisurely bike rides. I will be able to listen to my body and hear what it needs from me better than I ever could with disordered whispers begging for excessive exercise in my ears. I will be able to walk my dog or walk myself and enjoy the world around me.

This decision is definitely scary. Eliminating intense exercise without compensating in other disordered ways will be hard. However, one year ago I decided to stop weighing vegetables on my food scale as a small step in recovery. At the time, it was petrifying to me. But I did it, I survived, and life has become infinitely more vibrant and beautiful since.

If you’re interested in what testimonies I have found that have prompted this experiment, I highly recommend the following awesome links about restoring one’s menstrual cycle with increased food intake and less exercise:

Hypothalamic Amenorrhea FAQ

I Got It Back!

HA Update: Six Months Later

How I Beat Hypothalamic Amenorrhea And You Can Too