What I Ate Wednesday 1/28/15: I Want To Recover, But…

Good morning on this lovely Wednesday! I hope your first half of the week has been minimally stressfully and maximally awesome. On Monday, I had a terrible, no good, very bad day. I felt awful physically for reasons unbeknownst to me, and my mental state was less than stellar as well. I was ravenously hungry and exhausted, unable to focus, depressed  just rather blahhhh. On days like these, I’m hit with the frustration of what I like to call “recovery buts”. I want to recover, but I want to stay the same size. I want to recover, but I’m afraid to eat when I’m hungry. I want to recover, but I worked so hard to lose weight. I want to recover, but I don’t trust my body. The list can go on, and on, and on.

Fortunately, I woke up yesterday morning feeling 1,000 times better and I dove into the day trying to think not of recovery buts, but of recovery ands.

I started my morning off as I usually do, with a perfect bowl of oatmeal and something hot to drink. Yesterday, I opted for Trader Joe’s Vanilla Cinnamon Black Tea, which is to die for. I ate this delicious breakfast because I know that I want to recover, and my body needs a substantial amount of food first thing in the morning. 

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I had a fun morning at work, but after a couple of hours I was hungry for a snack. I asked my Australian coworker to make a flat white for me to try, since Starbucks just came out with their (probably awful) version, and flat whites have been a staple drink in Australia for years. If you haven’t tried one before, I have to say that I think it’s my new drink of choice. It’s essentially a latte without any foam, and the milk is poured from the center so that the creamy, smooth espresso crema rises to the top. When you take a sip, you get the perfect blend of espresso that is ever so slightly softened by the presence of milk. Of course, I added a sprinkle of cinnamon. I enjoyed my drink with a granola bar, which didn’t disappoint either. I want to recover, and that means being able to drink things that contain calories, especially when they are made for me by lovely people. 

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It was Taco Tuesday at work again, and I brought two lunches because I wasn’t sure if I would feel like partaking in the festivities. As it happened, I did feel like it, and I had an amazing taco salad with black beans, spicy avocado hummus, vegetables, and flax tortilla chips. I also had baby carrots and more hummus, but I realized soon after I finished my lunch that I was still a bit hungry. I ate this yogurt, because I want to recover and my body can be trusted to tell me when it is still hungryI don’t think I would get this yogurt again, though. It was way too sweet, and I like my yogurt a little tangy. Oh, well! It got the job done.

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I ended up staying at work later than anticipated, and I got a little hungry for a snack. I whipped out an apple and some more carrots to snack on while I worked. I ate a little snack because I want to recover, and the only wrong choice when I am hungry is the choice to eat nothing.

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After work, I ran a few errands and picked up some groceries. While doing my shopping, I spotted this flavor of yogurt that I hadn’t tried before. It looked pretty good, so I decided to take it home with me for and afternoon snack because I want to recover, and the ability to have variety and flexibility with food is one of the greatest gifts of recovery. 

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I spent a couple of hours reading, journaling, and doing things around the house before I got hungry for dinner. I made what has become one of my staples: chicken, pasta, and vegetables with a sauce made of tomato paste, cream cheese, and balsamic vinegar. It might sound a bit strange, but don’t knock it till you try it. The vinegar adds a little sweetness and the tomato paste has the perfect rich tomato flavor. I also added a little cottage cheese because I didn’t use very much chicken and I wanted to up the protein factor a bit. I decided on this dinner because I want to recover, and recovery means eating foods that I enjoy and that sound good to me, including carbalicious bowls of pasta with cheese. 

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While I was eating, I got an SOS call from my grandpa. He was having an especially hard day, feeling extremely lonely and depressed. I finished my meal with a few white chocolate chips and Bunny Grahams and headed over to his house to give him a little company. I want to recover, and recovery allows me to be there for other people when they need support. 

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After a couple of hours with my grandpa, I ventured back home to get ready for bed. By this point, I was hungry again (surprise, surprise) and I ate an english muffin with peanut butter and a few drops of honey. I want to recover, and recovery means that I can always eat a snack before bed if I’m hungry without guilt or judgment from myself. 

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It’s easy for me to get caught up in the “recovery buts” sometimes. Ultimately, though, I realize that full recovery cannot happen if I am clinging to these exceptions. I want to recover, and I know that means pushing the buts out of the way and committing myself to it 100%. I want to recover, and a recovered life will be totally and completely worth the hard work and the pain. If you’re holding on to some exceptions in recovery, I encourage you to try to think of ways reframe them. It definitely helped me change my perspective and gave me a new boost of motivation for recovery.

Thanks to Peas and Crayons for hosting the link-up, and I’ll see you all tomorrow!

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10 thoughts on “What I Ate Wednesday 1/28/15: I Want To Recover, But…

  1. It sounds like you’re really in touch with your recovery. I am recovering from over ten years of struggling with bulimia, and can really appreciate how difficult it is to sometimes do the simplest of things where food is concerned. Keep up the good work!

  2. You have no idea How much this post meant to me. It could not have come along at a better time. I especially loved, “I want to recover, and the only wrong choice when I am hungry is the choice to eat nothing.” Thank you for reminding me of this fact. Keep up the fight!

  3. I love your blog and your refreshingly real approach to recovery. Side note – Flat whites are amazing, here in NZ they are the drink of choice!

  4. ‘Recovery but’s’ – I need to start using this phrase more. I do exactly the same and it is so frustrating. The overwhelming part of me wants to get better but there seems to be a few hurdles I just refuse to jump. Thanks for sharing, it’s nice to feel your not alone in your thoughts!

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