Feeling like I am the exception to the rule is something I’ve dealt with for a long time, but it has been especially apparent in my experiences over the last year and a half. Even as I dove into recovery, I believed that I needed to recover on a diet and I needed to keep up a strict workout routine. Perhaps others could recover without these things, but I was the exception.
Having Alli here helped me realize that I’m not the exception, as much as this disorder wants me to believe that I am. I’m allowed to rest like everybody else and I’m allowed to do things other than work out when I have free time. I have no desire to run a marathon or be a weight lifter. There’s nothing inherently wrong with those activities, but they are not my passions.
As long as I continue to force excessive or undesirable exercise on my body, I am not being true to myself. I am bargaining with the disordered part of me that has lied to me all along about what I need to do to be happy. This disorder told me I deserved less food than my body needed, it told me I needed to count every calorie to ensure I wouldn’t gain weight, it told me I would be content if I could just make myself the right size. All of these things were terribly untrue, and I believe this is no exception.
So this week, I have decided to consciously limit my exercise. It will be tough, but I’m committed to diving in. No sneaking around my limits, because I’m only cheating myself. No conscious under eating as compensation because I deserve nourishment regardless of my exercise levels. I won’t settle for being dishonest with myself anymore.
I want exercise to find its proper place in my life, where it is moving my body the way it wants to be moved, whether that be lifting weights, doing yoga or Pilates, walking, riding my bike, or playing on a zip line like an 8 year old. In ways that feel good to me and in addition to adequate food, any and every activity will be a welcome part of my life.